I have a deep seated fear of myself.  It ingrained itself a few years ago and surfaces every single time I attempt to evaluate my behavior.

There are still traces of who I used to be; in how I react and respond to certain situations and I get scared that I can still lapse back into ‘her’.  What if I can never really change?  What if when things get really bad I throw away all I try to be everyday and return to being ‘her’.  What if I’m really not a nice person after all?

Even though I believe people can change there’s always the jaded part of me that prefers to believe that they don’t really change.  If I had the capacity to hurt people the way I did, and live the kind of life I once did, who’s to say I won’t go back to it again?

I guess the difference now is God – and I have to convince myself that He really has changed me.  I guess its up to me now to keep myself close to Him and never put myself in those situations again.

The first step: forgiveness.  Why does it have to be so difficult?

Call me the White Queen…

There’s so much going through my mind now about all the things You’ve brought me to.  It’s really difficult to figure out what exactly Your plan is at this moment, and I’m finding myself wanting to do so much more than I am perhaps capable of.  Thank You though, for bringing me here, to the place where I feel You want a change.

I don’t know yet what part You want me to play, but I pray You guide and show me Your way.  It seems like a difficult road and honestly, I am fearful of what You may have in store.  But You made my heart break today in a way that it has not broken in a long time, and I believe this is the first step.  As I continue to seek and ponder, I pray You reveal more and more of Your intention and even allow me to believe that I can be part of this.

Why You choose me I have no idea, but I know in time You will make it clearer and I pray for patience to keep with You and not run too far ahead with my own desires or get down on myself with persuasions of inadequacy.

You told me something today that made me struggle a little.  All the ministries I am in put me in front of people, and so far put me in a place where I am watched/listened to etc.  I pray I do not get too fond of the stage; that I do not know how to be in the background.  I pray I do not get too proud and crave more limelight.  There is much to do in invisibility and I pray I learn how to be okay with being invisible.  I pray I never get too carried away trying to be perfect or the best of everyone because that’s not what it’s about.  I pray I be able to improve myself just for Your glory, and take none of the credit.

Your will be done.

Amen.

P.S. Why do You love scaring me with non-coincidental coincidences?

Two months since I last posted I believe?  Lots has happened in between, more than I can possibly chronicle but it has generally been good.

Turned 5 *grin*; travelled to Australia and had a really brilliant time; attended a wedding today; missed a wedding ‘cos of Australia.

Life is moving on so quickly and with half a year gone, I’m beginning to feel the effects of the ‘future’. Resume writing so I can start earning some bucks while finishing up school and everything else.  Busy busy!  People are graduating left right and centre and as many people getting engaged / married.  I guess there’s the reason why I’m feeling old.  That and our eyelids are wonky – Woon knows what I’m talking about

So with the age comes me wanting to fall asleep earlier (Don’t judge me I know it’s 4am but I’m already nodding off which is new..).  And with that tiredness comes the lack of reasoning.  And alongside the lack of reasoning comes the question of why I’m even blogging now.

This post has been utterly redundant.  But before I go, somemore ridiculously redundant words:

My fingernails are currently housing the ugliest french manicure known to mankind.  Yes, I attempted a self one and it is seriously fail.

I just found out that a certain two people share the same anniversary date as Drew and I.  Gross.  Really really gross.  Not that people can’t also have the same date; we’re not that shallow.  But that it is these two.  Grah.

Say goodnight and go……

Checking in.
Again.
Finally.

So I’m guessing no one comes by here anymore since this place is basically lifeless.  Eep, lousy blogger.

Much is happening this year and at the moment I can only think of one word apt enough to describe the whole rush – *jibabom* [credits go to everyone at the breakfast meeting today!]

Ministry is being upped several notches and even though I anticipate a myriad of crazy things to finish and accomplish, it is all rather exciting and a relatively sadistic part of me is enjoying all the busyness.  There is much to do and really I should be getting down to some of it but my mind still needs to register things and calm itself down.

The first quarter of 2010 has flown by faster than I can say “huh” and as I was telling Eug today, I don’t think I’ve ever used my brain so much in a first quarter of a year.  So much has already happened, and it actually is kind of making life more meaningful.  Delighting in the fact that I finally feel that what I’ve been doing for the past few years is coming to something and relishing what is to come.  I never thought that I would see the day where [undisclosed circumstance] would happen but it seems like everything people have prayed over me when I was younger is miraculously coming to pass.

On an entirely different note, my struggles in relationships finally seem to be coming to a place where I’m discovering what real committment feels like.  We’ve been together longer than I ever expected and even though within these years we’ve always discussed and planned a future, seeing this said future creeping up on us jolted me out of my seat the other day.  It was a psychological scare that day when we sent in our application and no matter how excited I am, it still scared me that I was not capable of such a “title”.  What if I screwed up somehow?  What happens then?  It made me realise how loose a term “girlfriend” is and it made me wonder how teenagers could be together for a week and refer to their other half as their husband/wife.  I genuinely find it frightening; the responsibility that comes with just being referred to as a fiance, let alone a wife.  Okay in case you’re wondering I’m not engaged yet.  Not in the ring and proposal sense at least.

Am I even making sense?  Whatever it is though, no fear of the future or worry can negate the fact that I truly am excited about what is to come.  Even though I still have bouts of “we have no money”, “there’s so little time”, “I’m still possibly a huge mess” and “why is God calling me to such great things”, I know that there is a plan out there that I can only fail to fully fathom.

Amidst the “what-if”s of the future and growing up,
There is comfort in claiming God’s control over everything.

Been about 3 months since I came here and was greeted by dust and breeding mosquitoes.
[Yeah just like me to turn a blog into a living thing.]

There’s nothing to say yet so much on my mind; thoughts about the future and what my life will possibly turn out to be like.  A definite fear lies beneath this small frame – will we have enough to afford a house, a piano for my work and everything else we’ll need to pay for?  Will I even get jobs to generate income?  Will I completely suck in my currently intended area of work?

What if’s abound and questions are bubbling and all I can hope for now is sufficient trust in God who I know provides.  It’s just terribly difficult to believe for something that will only come to pass in a couple years or more.  But I will press on in believing because He has never failed me yet, and He never will.

On a more fun note though, where is a good place to get married? =D
[Since the place I want will probably still be in the form of loose bricks and stray metal beams]

I think the creation of a pretty wedding file is in order…

Oh how I derive joy from irony.

Hello world!  I woke up bright and early(er) today for some reason and well, its already been an interesting day.  People I don’t think will wish me are so its quite a nice surprise.

Anyhoo, just wanted to log something funny that just happened.

My mother thinks I’m older than I am.  Dang.